debacle

20 May

ImageWho gets to say what is right for us? Who decides? Why are we so afraid to make our own decisions?
These questions have been bothering me for days now. I am but scared my life is falling apart at this very moment of my existence. It is such a shame, really. I always thought I am strong enough to face life. But I guess I was wrong all along. I am not as strong as I think I am. I need help but I don’t want to be helped. I cannot stand the thought of me being weak. I am not that person. I need to stand on my two feet. But life is a brutal teacher. Life knocks us down, and it does not settle for less. It breaks us down, buried deep on the ground. 
But why do bad things happen? Why can’t things just be what we planned it to be? I am but tired of this vicious cycle…
I know the answers to my questions but I am just afraid to accept it. For it all boils down to me. It is a matter of facing fear head on. Looking at it in the eye and beat the crap out of it. But it is difficult game to win. Our enemies lie within us. It is a constant battle within us. No one ever really wins. It’s a tricky thing we are in. And I am not making any sense, am I?
Aside

debacle

21 Oct

ImageWho gets to say what is right for us? Who decides? Why are we so afraid to make our own decisions?

These questions have been bothering me for days now. I am but scared my life is falling apart at this very moment of my existence. It is such a shame, really. I always thought I am strong enough to face life. But I guess I was wrong all along. I am not as strong as I think I am. I need help but I don’t want to be helped. I cannot stand the thought of me being weak. I am not that person. I need to stand on my two feet. But life is a brutal teacher. Life knocks us down, and it does not settle for less. It breaks us down, buried deep on the ground. 

But why do bad things happen? Why can’t things just be what we planned it to be? I am but tired of this vicious cycle…

I know the answers to my questions but I am just afraid to accept it. For it all boils down to me. It is a matter of facing fear head on. Looking at it in the eye and beat the crap out of it. But it is difficult game to win. Our enemies lie within us. It is a constant battle within us. No one ever really wins. It’s a tricky thing we are in. And I am not making any sense, am I?

 

20 Aug

Kudos to the film makers of this movie..it always makes me feel good after every watch..on-repeats..:)

In A Nutshell

For better or worse, sometimes after watching a film, it takes up a little space in my head and won’t go away until it’s had its say.

Bloomington is one such film.

Hailed as one of the indie films to watch last year, it features  the coming of age story of a former television child actress, Jacqueline “Jackie” Kirk as she navigates a new life in a university away from home. There, she wrestles her former stardom, hidden past trauma and a somewhat-illicit relationship with an older female professor.

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24 Jul

When everything in your life is too much to bear, you just want to cry out loud and let it all out from your chest. But you can’t. How is that possible? The pain is unbearable yet its contained too deep in you. It needs a push. It needs to hurt more that it pours itself out of your entire being. You need to cut your heart a little deeper. Let it bleed. And as the blood rushes, all the sorrows flow with it. And you feel a bit lighter inside. The weight of the world on your shoulder slowly falls down to the ground.
 
It sounds ironic, really.  But when things really get rough and unthinkable. I need to cry. A cry in Havoc. A cry so loud no one can even hear. In silence, I wept. When everyone is asleep at night; I am awake. With the knife I ripped my chest out. Commanding it to bleed and feel the pain. It is in pain that I find my way back to my being; to my Reality. Now, this  song is my knife, and I’m hoping I’ll feel a little better…

Rage

24 Jul

I am in Rage
Shine the light loving sun
The road so dark; eyes are blind
Let your light be my guide
Have mercy! Oh thy sun
On the road less traveled
I am taking the journey
Day and night, heat and cold
Hunting for thy soul’s food
The night is coming
The clouds are dark
The stars are away
The roads are broken
I am repeating my thoughts
Thoughts I wished didn’t exist
This is madness, I am mad
I am in rage

A song lyrics I made way back highschool :) so immature..lol

18 Jun

Today I will leave you
But somehow I see it thru
This time; it’s time to say goodbye to you, my love…

            Don’t worry I’ll be there for you           
            Don’t cry co’z I’ll always call you           
To say these words to you.

You might think that I won’t miss you
You might think that I won’t care
But deep inside this heart of mine
I do, I really do, miss you.

I’ll always remember you
Our love that is always true
Don’t worry for I’ll be there with you; in your way.

Distance can never be
A hindrance for you and me
Someday we’ll cross each other’s way.

Life and Niche

11 Jun
I want to take you to a world where most men dare not go. A place like no other; a haven- the green grass, the sweet smell of lavender, and the warm touch of the wind. Lay beside me in this place where life is immensely unadorned and serene. I’ll take you to the harbor I lived many years ago. The years I longed to live again. Live and stay ‘til my last breathe.

Eat when you’re famished, drink up when you’re scorched and sleep little brother when you are deadbeat roaming around the paradise. Life was meant to be easy. It was easy the way I remembered I live many years before. Every predicament has its way out. And every problem was unfussy to get through. No alarms, no sirens, no traffic. None of these things existed in my world and I get by day to day. It was a primal way of life and it was not terrible. I loved it and I yearn to come home. Yes! That was home.

         I am a hypocrite! It is with no doubt I am. And I cannot deny the truth that I was once a voracious, ambitious, and supercilious young lady who lived in a paradise but was never satisfied with her life. Humans do grow old. I was not going to be a child eternally. I grew up and I grew apart from the world I once loved and promised to live all the days of my life. I was sickened of beauty; I looked for obnoxious sights. I got tired of the sweet fragrance of the flowers; I craved for the repugnant smell. What is this place anyway? It’s an empty place. How can I know beauty? When the view within my sight speaks and screams of beauty and wonders. There was nothing to judge against to. I felt foolish and ignorant. And it did not bring me joy. I could not live that way. I was starving for something indiscernible.

           After a year of tedious searching, nothing really turned up. I was empty handed. But life has its own way of surprising us. On a sunny afternoon at the coast- myself walking along the shore, a miracle happened. A brave young man with his gigantic ship, travelled across the vast seas of the pacific and stepped foot unto my island. He was tall, white-skinned with long curled hair, extravagant and flamboyantly mannered young fellow. He was a fine young gent from the other side of the world- the world where knowledge, experience, and sensation are unfathomable. He told me stories and places never would I have imagined and known.  I was in awe to have a glimpse for such a man. I knew that moment on that it was my chance- here and now. And I took it, embracing it with open arms.

         Without compulsion or bribery, I came along with the sailor whom I wished to name as John. It took us a month long of cruising through the vast oceans before we finally arrived into his haven. I was flabbergasted with the view. It came to my senses as extraterrestrial. To my joy, I walked straight away thru the streets and wandered around the mammoth structures. There were people everywhere, uttering the language I cannot comprehend. I saw a world far beyond my imagination.

This world had plentiful colors- bright, plane black and white, and different shades of gray. And the smell was bewildering- it was neither the aroma of the flowers nor the sweet scent of honey; it was revolting! There were flying objects up in the heavens, moving things on the rigid path and huge moving pictures attached on the tall structures. I was astounded of the things I am seeing at that minute of my reality. It opened and awakened the part of my being. For the first time of the longest time of my existence, I was satisfied. It satiated the deepest hunger of my soul. I came to see the truth behind all the realities of my being.

Looking back on that day of my life, I know I have made the right thing- to stay in this unfamiliar land. Days passed, I am becoming more of the people living in the exotic ground. I spoke the language they use and act as though I am a native. It seems like my former self is slowly vanishing into the mid-air. Look at me and you would not know I am not from this place. The facade I am wearing is flawless no one can ever recognize the disguise I have been doing many years now. I fitted in perfectly to the new world.

But the world is not made perfectly, so am I. I was deeply ailed by the loud sounds that turned into noises. The bewildering smells and dull pictures kept me down. I have gone exhausted walking along the busy and boisterous streets. I am lost again. But it was not because I wanted to know more. It was for I am exasperated to know every truth of all things. There was no mystery anymore. One click of the finger, mystery is solved right in the palm of your hand. I wanted to go back to my paradise. I want to starve one more time for truth, for reason and purpose- for a niche.

But there’s no use talking of that world now, isn’t it? I don’t live there anymore. And I can never go back, I don’t know the way back home. It’s like this labyrinth way of life. People keep trying to look for their niche in this jumbled world we live in. We keep searching and we never stop until we realized that it’s too late to settle down.

One may be given hundreds of years to live and in no doubt he will try to make use of his time wandering around searching for his niche. But life teaches us one simple truth beyond all our lives complexities. The reality of this all is we can never find our niche, our sole purpose, our happiness in this earth until we decide to love what we do, fit for the life we have and live one day at a time. Life is a choice. The choices we make define the niches’ we build.